I stopped by Savon last night to pick up a couple of sundry items. This particular Savon sits in a rather sad shopping center that once sported a Lucky’s supermarket. Now, the supermarket is shuttered and closed. To the left of the fallen supermarket is the Savon and to the right are two little shops, a barbershop and a Chinese takeout place. Actually, the food at the takeout is not that bad and it’s really cheap. I don’t know. It’s never made me sick or anything.So, I am walking up to the Savon and there, in front, is a little girl bouncing back and forth on one of those little mechanical cars that jostle about when you insert a quarter (dime when I was a kid). Her parents were standing there waiting for her. She was having such a great time. How wonderful it is when that is your biggest worry in life, riding the mechanical car. I felt happy for her but I also felt sad at the same time.

Last night, the moon and Venus made a stunning pair. The two hung about midpoint in the western sky, the crescent of the moon just a bit south of the brilliant Venus. As I walked along Melrose, I kept looking up, feeling comforted by those celestial objects. They almost seemed to speak to me, a faint whisper in my ear and in my mind. How odd that those two objects, each millions of miles away from one another, present themselves in such a uniquely beautiful pattern on the canvas that is our sky.

I am slowly planning my desert trip. I need to work on getting all paperwork done for the house first and making sure there are no crazy surprises at work…well, there will be but I just need to be sure that they are of the variety that won’t lead to a meltdown. So, film for the medium format is in the fridge along with some 35mm. I also need to get some photographic plates for the 4 X 5. I’m thinking a couple of days at Ash Meadows and perhaps a day at nearby Death Valley in order to get some nice sunrise and sunset images. I need to spend some night time at the Bonnie Clare Dry Lake bed. It’s supposed to be very mysterious at night. I’d like to experience the vibe from the place and see the kind of impressions that arise as a result of the experience. Mostly, I just need to center a bit, breathe in the dry air scented with sage and listen to the silence.

There has been a bit too much going on lately and it is time to slow time even if it is just a subjective slowing of something that is moving rapidly and relentlessly forward.

What a weekend. Spring arrived and it was Benito Jaurez’s birthday today. Saturday, I did some headshots over at Griffith Park. It was pretty nice out. Unfortunately, I was forced to deal with midday sun.

People who want photographs taken never understand the nature of light. I try my best to tell them that early morning or late evening are best but no one wants to be inconvenienced in order to obtain the best light. With photography, the only palette at my disposal is light and, other than shaping it with a reflector, I am limited by the direction of the sun and the weather conditions. At one point during the photo shoot, the woman I was photographing was looking off into the distance and started smiling and then laughing. After a few seconds, I stopped my light meter readings and followed her gaze to a couple walking down a trail. The man and woman were both sporting matching plaid skirts. I guess the guy was going for Scottish kilt but the length of the skirt made it look more like a private girl’s school skirt.

Griffith Park can be a nice way to get away from the city but there is no way to completely escape it. On top of the skirt sighting, we also ran into a group of cinematography students who were filming a scene. I was kind and moved for them. They looked as if they were filming some sort of horror film or goth-type thing. Anyway, I will be excited to see if I get some good shots. I just hope that there are a few shots that will be suitable for her to give to her agent.I started to take shots for my new assignment.

My assignment is to shoot a roll of infrared film and to photograph things, scenes, etc. that pose a question. It is a tough assignment with regular film but it is going to be interesting to see how my results appear through infrared which is cool stuff.

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I finally washed my car after many months of allowing it to just collect dust. Once it began collecting bird droppings, I decided it was time to get it washed. I do have certain limits.
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For now, my house purchase is continuing. This week, the seller will be having a plumber fix the sewer line and then I need to have someone check the rest of the line so that there are no more surprises. I hope it goes okay. At this point, I just want to get things moving and go on to the next phase. I have been thinking about how to landscape a hillside. That is going to take some thought.I must admit that I have felt the absence of my newest friend and intimate other. As time apart has lapsed, I find myself dealing with the emotions of how much I have enjoyed this newfound closeness but, at the same time, just how strange it is compared to my normal routine as a loner. I really should just let things happen. I don't know why it generates worry. It is just something that has entered my mind and thus I have wanted to note it and proceed aware of it’s existence.

I suppose it is a matter of taking risks. They need not be foolish risks, thoughtless, reckless and doomed to failure. They need only be something other than the existing pattern. Risk is always tied to the idea of reward. While modern economics has reinforced this distinction, there are many measures of reward beyond the purely pecuniary.

The definition of reward is more defined through one’s own personal values and proclivities. I suppose I have thought of this with respect to my new property purchase. Inclined to dwell upon the morbid, I am often unable to see near and long-term rewards. So, I should use this as a growth opportunity that will most likely lead to positive returns in the future. There is nothing to be gained from worrying about every eventuality. Bad things can happen even if we merely stand still. And, as Newton might say, bodies at rest tend to stay at rest.

Will I still worry? Yes, probably.I know my next step is to do something more with photography. I hope to begin working on that because I know it will do something for me that my day to day job has failed to satisfy. This will be a lot of work. It is even more difficult due to my shyness and inability to self-market. Perhaps in a new environment, change in other areas of life will be easier to effect.

As for intimacy and interpersonal relations, I don’t think there is a way to create this in life. Rather, it has to happen through interactions, chance encounters and by slowly getting to know people. I take quite a while to get to know and it is only those few people who can put up with that long period of discovery with whom I may develop closeness. With that said, I should explain that physical intimacy has been elusive but recently, I have had some very sweet, funny, dreamy and novel experiences. Let me just say that, with the right person (kind, funny and very patient), an old couch in a warm, dark and quiet basement can feel like the most comfortable place on Earth

Birds do it. Bees do it.

Women are complicated. Women’s genitals are even more complicated. The distinction between the theoretical versus the applied is no more apparent than when it comes to female sexual stimulation. I would think that evolutionary pressure would have lead to greater simplification rather than complication. Perhaps the increased complexity has a direct relationship to the growth of our forebrains. Natural selection thus favors those who are able to successfully figure out this anatomical puzzle while those who fail will eventually die out or merely adapt to being bonked over the head numerous times for continually failing in the effort. Maybe I am simply alone in my ignorance and lack of experience. In fact, I know I am when compared with most men my age. More to come on this topic.

Oh, by the way, I am now a homeowner. In about a month or so, I will be moving to my new home.Part of me is celebrating but there is another part of me going, "Oh shit, what did I just do!"Anyway, money will be somewhat tight for a while but I should be able to handle it. I really need to go out and get some pink flamingos for the front yard.

Trust no one. We are all alone. Ultimately, we answer only to ourselves.Self-reliance is the best for which we can hope. These thoughts struck me this morning and I thought best to write them. They seem negative and cold but that is probably just a defensive reaction to something that is difficult to accept about life.

So, my offer on the house was not accepted. I am awaiting a counter-offer. Otherwise, the day was spent working.

I was kind of just spacing out while working. I do that a lot. It is good in that it allows the time to fly but it also worries me because time is, indeed, flying by. It is a bit of a conundrum. I kept finding the music of Lush running through my head so I am listening to the song “Sweetness and Light”.

It’s funny but, in some ways, I don’t care about getting the house. I mean, it would be nice to have a house over a tiny apartment but, part of me, doesn’t care that much. I suppose it is the smartest way to invest my money, gain equity and avoid the huge tax bill I pay each year. Still, such things do not have that much emotional significance to me. I suppose I haven’t found what does hold emotional significance. Sometimes I feel like so much has died within me over the years that nothing is left to be resurrected. As always, I feel that similar feeling inside when one is traveling across the highways and freeways through the Southwest deserts. You stop every few hours at some lonely outpost of a garage, the sun striking harsh shadows on the ground, eyes squinting even under sunglasses, the breeze feeling like the opening of an oven door, the air tinged with the smell of sage, locusts and other insects chirping and buzzing from under what little vegetation exists. Why do such places and environs hold such a major piece of my consciousness, my soul? Why do I always imagine myself drifting and lost instead of in the presence of people, relationships and greater society? Oddly, I seem more lost in the world of people than the world that is void of them.

The offer for the house I wish to purchase is hanging in limbo. The seller has until 6:00 PM to accept or decline or make a counter-offer. So, I am just going to have to wait it out. I am not that worried. If it happens, it happens. I gave what I felt was a fair offer and as high as I can honestly afford. If the offer is rejected, the search will continue and I am not going to be upset. I do think this would make a nice home and I believe that there is good potential for appreciation based on the location, condition and lot size. How I will pay all my bills every month is a whole other story….

Saturday afternoon, I was listening to an argument between the guy that lives across the alleyway and his girlfriend. The guy is one of those typical contractor, drywall hanger types with a bunch of tattoos, big mouth and a chronic smoker’s cough. He and the girlfriend often have arguments and they tend to get loud. My understanding is that someone at his girlfriend’s place of work made a pass at her and so he was yelling at her to quit and then he said, “You tell him that I don’t care if I go to jail. I will come there and I will stop his heart. Do you hear me! I will stop his heart! You don’t put your hands on another man’s woman.” That was the gist of it. Then he accused her of infidelity and she was crying and there were mutual slamming of doors and I guess one of them left because it got quiet.

The only other time they make a lot of noise is during sex. Actually, it is just her who makes a lot of noise. Sometimes, I am tempted to yell some sort of smart ass remark when I hear these arguments but, I have to live there for now and I guess it to do something like that could invite an unexpected brick through the window. Maybe if I end up moving soon, I can make it a point to add a little of my special brand of mischief.

As an aside, I had a bit of a run-in with this guy several months ago. I was getting the Wall Street Journal at the time. The delivery person leaves the paper outside of the security door at the front entrance of the complex. I would normally grab the paper before I went to work. One morning, I just stepped out the door when this guy’s vicious dog came charging at me. I just barely closed the door as the dog slammed into it, growling and snarling. This jerk was standing on the sidewalk yelling for the dog. When the dog turned tail, I opened the door and, while getting the paper, I informed him that he should have a leash on a dog, especially one that was so vicious. He told me I shouldn’t get so uptight about a “little pup”. I told him I would call the police if it happened again. He told me not to threaten him and stood glaring at me. I stood solid and glared back. He finally gave a bit of a “humph” and walked away. I thought, “go ahead and hit me, I would love to see you go to jail this morning.”Ah, neighbors!

Well, I am watching the coverage of the LA Marathon. It is going to be a very warm day and so I feel for the runners. This will be grueling. But, it is worth the challenge. Even if you only do it once, it is worth the torture to experience it and really understand what it means to travel that distance on nothing but your own two legs.

Meanwhile, today will be the day that I find out if my offer is accepted for the house I want to purchase. It is going to be strange actually owning a home not to mention paying a huge mortgage. It brings to mind some feelings I am having today. I feel giddy and nervous. Part of me feels out of control as if everything is happening to me rather than under my own volition. I know that isn’t really the case. It is really just apprehension over doing something new.

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Well, the President has just left the Biltmore. I watched the motorcade from the 12th floor window of my building. It was quite an impressive motorcade although a little tickertape would have added to the excitement. Geez, the 110 South is going to be a nightmare as they make their way to LAX.At least the downtown traffic will be a little better today.

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Men's room update: I made up a couple signs that had a picture of Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry, holding his gun. Below the picture, I wrote, "Go on punk, throw those towels in the toilet! Make my day!"

Strange Daze

Visit by the President to our humble town caused a great deal of congestion on the city streets today. There was a lot of Secret Service roaming around. At first, I thought it was a movie being filmed.

I stumbled into the office this morning. I have been “stumbling” in all week. Today, I felt empty, blank and rather unmotivated. All ready for a great work day. Of course, I did the work that was necessary but it was as if part of me was unaware of what I was accomplishing.

So, the woman in my office who displays Asperger’s Syndrome threw a mini fit today. Over the cubicles, I heard her yelling bits and pieces to a staff person, stuff like, “I’m just doing the best I can”, “I take full responsibility for everything. I am responsible for everything”, “I’m about ready to have a heart attack”. Afterwards, she got on the phone with her psychologist and was yammering to him/her about how she was feeling a sense of low self-esteem.

I heard later that the source of her upset was a staff person confronting her over something she wrote about the person on her annual appraisal (obviously not good). That is not surprising. By the tone of my blog, one can surmise that I am not totally sympathetic with this disturbed person.

Sorry, psychological problems do not always guarantee a sense of camaraderie. I have had run-ins with this person, confronted her concerning her behavior and now she does not speak to me. Although she is very bizarre in a Rain Man sort of way, there is a real passive aggressive, manipulative and angry quality to her. She has already driven other people out of the department and caused undue stress to others. She does this by being a humorless workaholic who loves to see everyone else feeling as miserable as she. One of the things I have noticed is that if she is chatting with a person, part of a group socializing or otherwise has her nose in a discussion, the issue of “wasting time” or “not getting work done” suddenly falls in significance. But, if someone is chatting with another and she is not involved, she gets angry and thinks accuses the person of goofing-off and not working. I know this because she used to talk to me and I have observed this behavior repeatedly.

I am certainly not the epitome of sanity but I try my best not to go out of my way to make other people feel like crap at work. I mean, we are all stuck there and I don’t think anyone should have to feel awful every day. As long as employees do their work and get things done on time and accurately, I say have whatever fun possible.

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Follow-up on the bathroom incident: It seems that, in addition to the urinal surprise, people have been jamming or otherwise trying to flush paper towels down the toilet. This leads to the inevitable overflow. After numerous incidents, the building management has gotten a bit perturbed. Anyhow, there are now several notices inside the men’s room informing us that we must refrain from placing paper towels in the toilets and that management will enforce this. I am still trying to figure out how this will be accomplished. I say to kick in the stall doors from time to time and do a spot check. Actually, I have been thinking of creating some phony notices to put up just to have fun.

Just another day in corporate America!