I know that they say you should throw away food that has fallen on the floor. In addition, most people are familiar with the 5 second rule regarding when to keep or throw out dropped food.My question is what happens if you drop an antibiotic capsule on the ground? Can you just extend the number of seconds (5 to 10, 5 to 20?)? Does it cancel out the germs it may have picked up while on the ground?

I decided to remain home yesterday. I had a terrifically dreadful night with non-stop pain in my face. The pain is still there but I have been trying to relieve the sinus pressure by breathing in a lot of steam. God, why can’t my immune system be a little more proactive about things? Perhaps it is stress.I have noticed that over the last few years, I seem to be much more susceptible to getting terrible pain in my face when falling ill with a simple cold or sinus infection. I have hypothesized that it may have something to do with my having succumbed to chicken pox late in life, actually only about eight years ago. As an adult, the virus tends to hit in a particularly nasty manner. I spent nearly two weeks in isolation with a 106 degree temperature. Following the illness, the virus always remains hidden away in the nerve ganglia, immuno-compromising situations such as a cold allow it free reign to muddle with the nerves. I don’t have any way to prove it but it seems a somewhat logical answer given that these complications with facial pain seemed to start following that illness.For now, I am back at work but mighty spacey and kind of out of it. I hope I can get through the rest of the week.

-I had to go home early today as a sinus infection/cold is wreaking havoc on my sinuses. My head hurts so bad that I would almost be tempted to allow a Neanderthal doctor to perform some trephoning to relieve the pressure. Unfortunately, my Mousterian tool kit is out in the car and I don’t feel much like getting it. So, I shall have to stick with modern medicine.

When I feel this way, it is almost impossible to get anything done or concentrate on any subject. I feel blah. It really does hurt.On a related note, I was picking up a prescription for said infection the other day. The drug store was located in your run of the mill strip malls. As I was leaving the mall, I noticed one shop with the sign: Gourmet Water. It boasts of providing a variety of waters and water dispensing products. At the time, I was feeling a bit too ill to explore this curious shop but have made a mental note to return very soon.

Although I doubt it will look the same, I am imagining shelf upon shelf of every imaginable bottle from the far reaches of the world, the labels covered with strange and exotic languages and all containing…water!

-Leaving a theatre in Glendale between 11 and 12 PM, Auryanne and I proceeded to walk up a main street when we noticed two guys with leaf blowers across the street. It seemed odd that at that time of night on a Saturday, workers would be blowing leaves. Hmm, it is suspicious. Perhaps I should have reported it to Homeland Security.

-If you could cross a pig and a cow (a Pow), would it be Kosher?

Summer Thoughts I had an off-site meeting today. I spoke for about 10 minutes on the Shared Asset Policy but otherwise just kind of sat there with nothing much to do. In the conference room, there was a blow-up picture of clouds in a clear blue sky (trying to promote natural gas as the clean energy fuel, etc.). I stared at the picture for a while and, given the current weather situation, began to think of summer time and trips made during childhood.

My family would always go to Palm Springs once or twice during the summer. Of course it is extremely hot, anywhere from 100 to 115 or more during the day. However, as the joke goes, it is a dry heat, very dry. In addition, most of the time was spent in swimming pools so the heat was never too uncomfortable for very long. I have so many sensory memories of those times, the sound of the pool filter, the buzz of the insects hiding in the shade of the palm trees, the smell of pool chlorine and suntan lotion, the feeling of the sun against the skin and the sight of a clear blue, cloudless sky stretching from horizon to horizon.

Occasionally, when I had had enough aquatics, I would take a stroll down Palm Springs one main street which didn’t go more than a mile or two before leading one to empty highways, date plantations and open desert. The main street was typically deserted as few traveled to Palm Springs in those days. Many of the businesses closed for the summer preferring to wait out the heat and reopen in the winter when the East Coast residents migrated out to California to take refuge from their bitter winters. I didn’t mind. In a way, the scarcity of people and resultant quiet seemed to go better with the desert pace.

When stopped at the end of the street where city gave way to desert waste, I would often sit or stand and just stare out at the horizon. In an almost hypnotic state, I could imagine myself running away into the desert, never to return to the “normal” world and just disappearing into the shimmering heat waves that floated off the desert floor. That was a favorite fantasy of mine, to disappear into the landscape and, by losing myself, somehow finding myself. (I was a very strange little kid) I would like to travel to Palm Springs this summer even if for only a day or two. I know the place isn’t the same but I wouldn’t mind just floating in a pool, staring up at the sky and losing myself to the desert for a short time.

35th aniversary of the first lunar landing today. Some of us actually watched it on TV.

I am glad that I ended my Sunday by joining a special someone on a little hike in Griffith Park. The companionship and conversation (including the little quadruped) was a good break from being home with my thoughts. I wish it was sufficient to chase away my particular demons but I have learned over the years that, as with any disease or handicap, I have to live within the limits set by the disorder, like it or not. The challenge is to keep fighting to enjoy or glean pleasure from various little moments before the storm clouds begin to coalesce and darkness falls again. I just tire from the endless cycles. There is just no way to ever totally get used to it and fighting everyday often makes life seem a tiring and pointless exercise in futility.

I recall driving by old farmhouses in Iowa during the winter, standing against a backdrop of still grey skies, surrounded by fields dead, brown and frozen. Sunday… It seemed like a typical morning, a decent morning. Strong, hot sunlight streamed through my bedroom window. It felt noir-like but the opposite, too much light instead of too little light. I got up, made coffee and ran errands, all the while, I felt lost and adrift. While at the laundry, I stood and waited for my clothes to dry. I stood and stared into space, a deep sadness fell over me and I started to cry. I guess I am glad there were few people around. I just couldn’t help it. The tears welled up and trickled gently down my cheek and neck. I don’t know why I felt but only that I felt.

The sounds of Spanish language programs from the televisions filtered in as did the heat from the sunlight spilling in through the windows. Everything seemed surreal and far away. When I had gotten in my car and was leaving the laundry for home, I thought that if I someday happened upon the magic lamp and conjured a genie, what would I wish? I thought about great wealth, riches, etc. but then I realized that all I really would want is to be granted just one or two days in which all of the confusion and darkness could be lifted from my mind, just a day without this sense of dread, a day in which I did not feel like there was a worm inside of my head, eating away at me.

I am really glad I can blog. Writing is the only time I can simply be myself, good or bad. When I am at the keyboard, I can put down the mask if only for a few moments. It is good to not have to lie for a while. I am so tired. I wish I could think right. I wish I could be repaired.

The homeless guy with the bandages around his ankle and leaning on one metal crutch is really annoying me, more so than the other assorted street folk. For a guy with a crutch and a bum ankle, he can sure scoot across the street pretty damn fast when he wants to get across. He stands on the corner of 5th and Grand and repeats the same phrases over and over. I have actually become pretty good at imitating him, a strange little talent of mine: "Hey, can you help me out here! Good afternoon! Hey, help me out so I can get something to eat! Hey, help me out here!" Oh well, I just thought I would get that out of my system.

I once had an opportunity to take a job as an auditor on the main island of the nation of Micronesia. I actually had a number of interviews over the phone late at night (because of the time difference). It sounded somewhat interesting. Essentially it is equivalent to living in any other third world environment. There were some benefits in that I would have had the chance to see a lot of exotic sites and there would have been numerous other islands and Asian locales to visit. I opted not to take the job for a number of reasons which included the fact that the pay really sucked considering the sacrifices they were asking of potential employees.

All of this comes to mind as I ponder other directions I could have gone in life other than the one actually traveled. It is difficult to say if it would have been a positive decision. Far too often, I have found myself running from problems that are inescapable as they are not a product of my physical surroundings. I recall during my Midwest travels that problems haunted me no matter where I drove and lived. Perhaps the only thing travel offers is a bit of novelty and distraction, a deferral of the inevitable payment.

Things like morning shows (TV and radio) should be eliminated, as should small talk first thing in the morning. Even listening to it is just unsettling. One needs to work or reflect in the morning, undisturbed and preferably with a great deal of coffee.My brain chemistry is all mangled this morning. I think it is a combination of antidepressants and anti-inflammatories mixing it up around the synapses. I wish I could just go away some where and flush it all out. Unfortunately, there is no way to do things over in life. We simply have to draw over our mistakes and hope that it does not completely obfuscate the picture of our existence. I’m rambling and so I should just get into the accounting crap and immerse myself in work. Maybe the time will go by a little faster.

I had a very good time on Saturday night. I hope that things will continue in this direction. I try not to always worry about things but it is in my nature to worry. I hope that who I am is adequate for this person. I say that because I don’t like to pretend to be someone that I am not. So, I suppose the answer is that I shall continue to be myself and simply let things happen.We went and saw Napoleon Dynamite, an extremely funny movie. Afterwards, we decided to go off to see the ocean and breathe in some fresh air.The ocean was beautiful; the sound of its power filled the night sky. We tried to keep warm against the cold breeze by holding our bodies tightly together. I wish we could have stayed like that and been lulled to sleep by the ocean. Somehow, I don’t think the Manhattan Beach police would have sympathized with us.The night was over and we parted. I watched her get out of my car and walk to her car. Her long, straight brown hair swayed left to right as she walked. I saw her smooth, cute, bespectacled face disappear into the car and, once the car appeared started, I left for the night. I guess I need to remember that I am very lucky.

Just a short entry to say that I had a really great time last night and look forward to a second date on Saturday. I really felt good about this person. She is so cool and so easy to be around. It's nice when something good happens once in a while. Perhaps the karmic pendulum will swing my way again.

I haven’t written for a while. I suppose I have been a bit busy although I can’t rightly recall what it is that I have been doing. I have slowly begun to think about my house but I have done nothing, other than clear some old wood and debris from my hillside.

Actually, I need to clear a bunch more but am not sure how to get rid of it. Maybe Craigslist will come in handy as a resource. Otherwise, I just haven’t been able to get myself started or motivated to select furniture and paint color and all of those other interior design things. Part of the “problem” is that my house is such a blank slate that I don’t know where to begin. It would be easier if there was some point of focus from which to begin. I am left in a quandary, albeit an envious one to most, as to where to start the design process.Otherwise, I have been trying to go out a bit more. I have actually had numerous dates over the last month or so. Most have been one time occurrences, coffee or dinner. For the most part, conversation has gone well but I haven’t really found anyone with whom I click.

Sometimes I think that I do but something comes up that makes me uncomfortable. For one thing, I have come across few women who seem to have normal jobs and I wonder as to their stability, financially and otherwise. Mind you, I don’t require a wealthy woman as I am doing quite well on my own. But, I find that it is easier to relate to someone who understands going to work each day and the stresses and challenges that work creates in one’s life. I am especially suspicious of folks my age who don’t seem to have much in the way of work history.

True, some are artists who do contract work but there is a distinction between being an “I have a website of my stuff and so I am an artist” artist and people who really have genuine art degrees and actually hustle and struggle to make it in the profession.I hope I am not a picky person. I am not sure if I am picky and whether that is good or bad. I guess it is one of those beta versus alpha error type of things where you want to avoid false negatives but not at the risk of letting a false positive through which will lead to all sorts of problems the type of which I usually hear others relating while contributing none myself. Needless to say, I do not wish to obtain such experience.

Anyway, it may sound as if I am judging based solely on economics but I think that it goes beyond economics and has more to do with the overall character of a person. Finances and economic health is just another dimension to the overall measure of the person but it can have some frighteningly real impact on life whether or not we care to admit it.

With that said, I actually have a date with an employed artist tonight and I am looking forward to meeting her. And, since I gave her access to my blog site (something I don’t do too much), I will say only wonderful things about her :) Seriously, I figure that someone who can read my stuff and not be completely frightened away is certainly worth meeting for coffee. I suppose dating is something of a numbers game. The more one meets, the more one is likely to meet the right person. Still, it saps my energy at times. I guess I just don’t like having to be “on”. Maybe once I find that person with whom I don’t feel the need to be “on”, I will have found the right person. I spent a great many years building walls, defenses, moats, minefields, devil wire, etc. It isn’t easy to drop them all in a day but I know that their continued presence does great harm to developing any type of intimacy. I hope it isn’t all too late for me.