My poor car

So, today my car gave up the ghost. I was just on my way back from the dentist who is located out near Rialto where my sister lives in the house that was once my parent's residence. Anyhow, the engine just began making a terrible clattering and there was steam and I pulled off the road, onto an off-ramp and barely made it into a parking lot.

The tow truck driver initially took me to an auto shop where the mechanic informed me that my engine block was cracked. He told me that he could rebuild the engine for a couple thousand. At first, this sounded like not such a bad idea; however, events began to unfold that caused my radar to pop-up.

Everything was happening too quickly. It was hot. I was anxious to get back to normal and be on my way. It was difficult to think clearly. Those are all clues that make me wonder if I am making decisions that should involve a bit more thought. I might of ignored these initial hesitations if it weren't for what the mechanic told me next.

The mechanic informed me that he would prefer to be paid with cash or a check with no name written on it. When I informed him that I did not have checks on my person, he was very anxious to drive me over to the bank. In addition, he told me that he would have to have a deposit before he could begin work. His deposit was $1,300 which is a pretty good size deposit, especially when received in cash.

At this point, the "Lost in Space" robot in my brain was screaming, "Warning! Warning! Danger!"

I decided to have someone tow the car over to my sister's house and now I will likely seek a second opinion. I may be looking at getting another car. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I guess this is "later".

Coffee Confused

I was getting coffee at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. The woman behind the counter had just handed me my coffee and before taking my money, she asked me if it was “for here” or “to go”. I had to ask her to repeat the question because I didn’t understand. I finally said, “To go” and we completed our transaction. I still don’t understand the question. What difference does it make? What would she have done if I had proceeded to sit myself down at a table after telling her it was “to go”?

Workin' World

Prior to my reassignment to another area in Accounting Operations, a staff person was transferred over to my group (Fixed Asset Management) from the Plant Accounting Group. Both groups are part of Cost Accounting. Subsequent to the transfer being official, I suggested that this staff person may want to switch desks so that she is located over in my area, with the rest of my group. Before anything could be done, this staff person went on vacation. After she left, the whole reassignment took place and she and I were selected for another group.
I assumed that we would both be moving our seating locations or that other changes would likely take place.

Given all that, this morning, my boss calls me from his home. It is about 7:30 AM which is about an hour after I normally arrive. He proceeds to tell me that, in light of my new job duties and reassignment to a new area and the similar treatment to be afforded to this staff person, I should refrain from scheduling any movements of employees among the desks on this floor. I told him that I assumed such but, almost as if he had not heard me, he reiterated that I should not make any moves as it looks as though we will be going to a different floor in the building.
It was all very spacey and I found myself wondering if my boss had taken a few too many pharmaceuticals.

This place is too weird.

I felt unsettled on this first day of summer. I suppose it may be the change in weather. No longer are we getting the on-shore flow. The air is dry and desert-like. In fact, for the last few days, I feel as if I am out in Palm Springs or some other nearby desert location. It is more than just the temperature. It is more than just the low humidity. There is a particular color to the sky, movement in the few clouds that skirt across the field of blue. There is a sort of buzz in the air and sense of tension as the desert asserts itself and the cool, foggy and hazy influence from the ocean is momentarily forced to remain out at sea. This feeling is special for me and makes me feel more dreamy, perhaps more sad and more thoughtful of the surroundings.

I got out of an offsite meeting a bit early today and so I drove over to where the art college is located since I had a class tonight. I stopped in at a book store to kill some time. As I wandered the aisles, I was feeling a little spacey. I thought about what I was thinking about and some of the mental images I recall included:

1. The sound of the water lapping against the shore when I was in Tahiti.
2. The sight of water lapping against the shore when my brother and I used to go fishing as little kids. Before the sun was up it used to make everything seem more surreal and magical.
3. The smell of chlorine in a swimming pool and the sound of the filter motor.
More than anything, though, was that terrible sensation of not being able to readily identify what it is that I seek. I know that something is missing and that, in some manner, I need to find something but I do not know the nature of what I seek and how to go about finding it.

Sometimes I think it is a matter of moving somewhere. I think about disappearing to a tropical island or a remote place in the desert. Of course, deep down, I do not think it will resolve things. First, I am not independently wealthy. But, more importantly, I think it is something more than physical location although that may be a part of the greater puzzle. There is this desire within to quest for some sort of Holy Grail or seek the mythical kingdom of Prester John or something like that which will bring me a sense of purpose or explain the deeper sense of “why”.

I wish I could be happy. I wish I could be like everyone else and not always worry and not always feel this incessant sense of angst and meaninglessness that presses on me so much of the time. It hurts and no one understands that it hurts.
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While I was in the bookstore, I walked by the Biography section. While I glanced at the books on display, suddenly, all of the pictures that graced the booked jackets seemed to be yelling at me. They were yelling at me to notice them, imploring me to not forget them and let them fall away into the darkness of time. They all made me feel a sense of mortality and how little we matter. It was sad and sobering.

Today is one of those sick days. I came down with a migraine late last evening and now I am still feeling the aftereffects of the headache and nausea. Although it does not prevent me from making it to work, it prevents me from actually engaging in much work. Actually, I am wondering if some of the nausea is not the result of the large volume of varied pain killers I have swallowed to mitigate the pain from the migraine.

A reorganization of the accounting department has lead to my being placed in a new group. Some of my responsibilities will remain the same but I will be adding some new ones. In particular, I will have a great deal of responsibility for issues surrounding our next general rate case filing. This will entail a lot of work but it could be somewhat interesting. Of course, whether something is really “interesting” when it comes to accounting is a matter of degree. Compared to watching grass grow or the erosion of rocks by wind and rain, my work can be interesting.

Estimates for plumbing that will allow me to have a dark room in my basement room of my house have been obtained and I am happy that the cost will likely not be as prohibitive as I one time feared. Now, I need to secure the proper sink for putting in trays, etc. for developing. I also need to buy a ventilation fan and have that installed. I am hoping this will help to push me to do more art work in my spare time. It is also making me wonder if it is not a good time to go back to B&W more completely. I say this because I went through a period (about 2 years or so in total) in which I refused to buy or use color film and forced myself to photograph everything in B&W. I believe that this helped me to see things from a unique vantage point. I am wondering if it is not a good idea to repeat this again. It would also allow me to have total control of the photograph from taking the image to processing and printing.
I have other ideas for improving my house but I need to get estimates and figure out the cost and benefit. One of the ideas is to build a deck. I have a lot of room in the back and a pretty nice view so it would probably enhance the property value but I am a little concerned about how much it will cost to secure it on my hillside.
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The worst part of work is not always the work but the absence of people with whom I relate. Many of the people are your typical accountants in that they just do not “get it”. They see life as just work, purchasing consumer goods and saving for retirement. Everyone sees their life beginning at retirement. It’s weird. Most of these people will be weak, sickly and tired by the time they reach retirement age. They won’t even be capable of enjoyment. Worse yet, many become lost once they leave work. So many people become defined by work to the point where, once the structure of work no longer exists, they do not know what to do with themselves. As frightening as it may seem, a great many people, following their retirement, sit about, become depressed and wait to die. I truly fear becoming one of those people. I often feel that the work environment is sucking me dry and I just don’t want to become the kind of person I really hate.

It’s scary. I always hear the clock ticking away.

The Week

Well, a rather large scale reorganization in the Accounting Operations and Cost Accounting Department has resulted in me shifting to a new group that will concentrate primarily on accounting and regulatory issues pertaining to General Rate Case filings and other special projects. I will report to a different boss and will take with me some duties I perform already. I am getting about an eight percent pay increase which is always a good thing. Still, I am not really emotionally excited.

Work just doesn't excite me in an emotional manner. In fact, at one meeting during the week, someone remarked on my always having a poker face to which I responded with a poker face. Shit, who cares what I think! Will upper management change all their plans if I am unhappy? Will my outward show of joy change the workload? It's a job. I do something and someone pays me for it. That is it.

The Baobabs

Today, I worked out on my hillside. There is a particular tree in my area that has very aggressive roots that spread all over and from which saplings emerge practically overnight. These saplings grow quickly and are tough to kill.

The only way to deal with the saplings is to go out and dig them up or hack them down as much as possible. Needless to say, I am quite sore from doing this. I got so into it, I even fell down once and just missed having a stump slam into my back as I fell down. What a way to die, in my own backyard.

Anyway, the whole time I was out in the yard, digging up the saplings, I kept thinking about The Little Prince and how he had to keep digging up the baobab trees to prevent them from taking over his entire planet.

I felt rather out of sorts yesterday and this morning. I had just completed a good many hours in front of the computer yesterday and I began to feel very alone. I thought about not being very close to my brother and sister anymore. I thought about how I don’t really have any close friends that I can just call anytime and talk. I thought about my dead parents. I thought about all the years lived and how disconnected I feel from the world and its people.

I did go to a class last night which was the first session of a course on how to use a large format view camera. I enjoyed the class but the feelings of separateness had latched on to me and remained throughout my time at class and kept me from falling asleep when I returned home.

I know that, as a loner, it is the bullet I have to bite and I will survive it but sometimes the emotions come through and it is difficult to bottle them up again.

Psychological Health

Today was a long day in a string of long days. After working pretty much straight for 10 hours, I had to leave and make a late afternoon appointment with my psychiatrist. This is my once-every-three-months medication visit. Now, I realize that such visits do not lend themselves to much depth of conversation but I do like to go over my medication, the existence of any new medications and side effects.

Today, I arrived at the office and was called in from the waiting room by this very young Fillipino guy who told me he was assisting the doctor. I asked him if he was a colleague and he said that he was a nurse practitioner. I was instantly put-off and as he persisted in trying to get details of my current mental state, I felt angry. I felt angry about the long day, the long drive and talking to some nurse-practitioner. What made it worse was that, when I told him that my mood was only so-so, he kept giggling and saying, "You suppose to be feeling happy. We can change your medication. I can write prescriptions!"

I finally tired of this Bryman School scholar and told him that I would discuss any changes with my doctor when he was again available. He continued with the nervous giggling and bade me farewell.

What a fucked way to end a fucked day.

Personal Ad

So, I am working on a draft of a personal ad to put in CL. The ad will include my picture. I want to make it very honest and real so that whoever responds will respond for the right reasons. I would prefer no responses rather than all responses from the wrong people. So, here is the rough draft:

This is the plain truth about me, good or bad, just so you can make an informed decision.

I am someone who thinks…a lot, perhaps too much. I tend to be reflective, sometimes spacey and subject to periods of imaginary flight.

I have a history of depression and that has shaped my life in innumerable ways not the least of which has been many years of mental anguish, missed social opportunities and the development of a somewhat cynical sense of humor. On the positive side, if there is one, it has made me notice things with a great deal more depth. I pick up nuances that most people overlook. I also question things and am not easily fooled into following the proverbial carrot dangling from the stick. Maybe some would say that I have lost my sense of innocence but think there is a line between innocence and foolish naiveté.

I tend to be a bit of a realist (okay, sometimes a fatalist) and that outlook is often useful to me in my job. Perhaps the pragmatic shell I have developed is more of a response to the painful emotions I have endured over the years. It prevents the emotional turbulence from undermining my successful accomplishment of necessary day-to-day tasks.

With all these drawbacks, you may be asking, “so, what can you offer me?” I am honest. I am not a drunk, drug addict or abusive. I am educated, have a high IQ and am a curious person who is open to exploring and learning new things. I am analytical but also enjoy tapping into my creative side. I am very romantic and sexual with the right person and am open to new things in that area as well. I have depth and can deal with the difficulties in life.

Despite, the depression, most people seem to think I have an excellent sense of humor, albeit a tad quirky but I do use humor as my most important defensive tool when coping with life’s trials.

I should give you some of the basics about myself, stats, if you will:

42 SWM; 5’10”, 167 lbs.
Graduate degrees in Psychology and Accounting; CPA and CIA
Live and work close to downtown L.A.
Work as an accountant
Homeowner
Interests: Photography, amateur astronomy, cooking, the desert, hiking and exploring
Music: Cocteau Twins, Innocence Mission, Cinnamon, Sundays
Authors: John Fante, John Steinbeck, Paul Bowles, Tad Williams,
Films: Wings of Desire, Bladerunner, Nadja, Ghostworld, Woody Allen movies
Foods: Really like sushi, Thai, Italian, Mexican

What do I seek in a woman? I don’t have a specific “type” when it comes to age, size, race, etc. I do feel that, from my limited relationship experience, I relate better with women who are more dominant and aggressive. I think it complements my personality and also helps to motivate me and keep me from lapsing into passivity, something I am aware of but sometimes find difficult to fight. This is not to say that I do not have opinions or self-motivation. Obviously, I have gotten by on my own with a certain degree of success. I do feel that being with the right person could only make me a better and more successful person. It’s all about compatibility.

I have been too busy for anything. I have been too busy to think, feel or hope. Today, while sitting in my cubicle, I realized that I am nothing but a piece of hardware defined by my ability to perform a practical function. It made me feel very sad. I dived into the work, fulfilling my function, meeting the expectations that people have of me.

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Late this afternoon, I saw an acupuncturist about my shoulder and back problems. I am giving it a shot at the urging of my personal trainer who feels I could use all the help I can get. In another week or so, I will be seeing a neurologist. I guess you could say that I am hedging my bets on which will do the most for me, Eastern or Western medicine.