Job Searching Begins

I have decided that, after feeling such frustration with work, I am now ready to put out the effort to find another job. I have updated the ol’ monster.com resume and have gotten the search underway.

In addition, I have been looking at federal jobs since I did once work for the government. Actually, I have applied for several positions with the government and government contractors operating in the Middle East. I realize this sounds a bit crazy but a tax free, six figure salary is quite enticing. I think it also would be good for me to completely get away from the repetitive life I lead. I don’t fit here and I feel no sense of connection here. Even with the house and everything, it is as if I am going through motions but not feeling a sense of being in the moment.

It may be a sign that I need to make a change and perhaps a radical one would be best. Besides, I don’t really care too much about the danger. Hell, as it stands now, I contemplate blowing my brains out on a regular basis. What would it matter if I got blown up or shot overseas?

As an aside but related story, my brother, my sister-in-law and I all went to have Dim Sum. It was done on the spur of the moment. My brother just gave me a call out of the blue and then came over an hour later. Right away, his wife let it be known that we needed to hurry because she had other things to do that day. When we were ready to leave and my brother told me to go with them which would mean that he would have to drive me back to my house, his wife got quite angry. So, the whole drive there (thankfully a short drive) the car was filled with anxiety thick enough that it could have been cut with a knife. She kept reminding him how long it would take to drive there and back. Actually, it is only about 15 minutes away. The Dim Sum meal was rather rushed, with no conversation and I was glad when it was over.

I understand that my brother and his wife work six or seven days a week and get very little free time but I didn’t ask to have lunch with them and I would gladly have never joined them if it was going to cause an upset. Oh well, that is how it always seems to be and has resulted in my rarely seeing or doing anything with my brother for several years.

I guess this side story is included here because it is just another reason why it doesn’t matter if I go away to live overseas for a while. I have no connections or closeness with anyone. People like me are kind of ideal for work like that.

Motivation

Sometimes the hardest thing is to find that feeling of motivation within me. I just get tired and feel hopeless. I want to move forward but it often feels like nothing I do will result in change or make a difference.

I realize that I have made accomplishments in life but I feel like something is really missing.

I think of plans and certain things I would like to do but I get lost in finding a way to implement those ideas. I feel lost. I am just getting older and older and time will soon be gone.

Work, Life, etc.

I have been very upset about work lately. For some reason, this weekend, I began to realize that I shouldn’t be worrying about it. I mean, worse come to worse, I can get another job. In fact, perhaps all this upset is a good thing. Maybe it is what I need to motivate me to make some changes.

I know one thing I need to do is market my photography. I am trying to get more information on craft shows and craft fares as possible venues for selling my photography and getting my name out. It would be a start. I don’t know how much money I will actually make but it is better than nothing. Besides, if I begin to bring in revenue, my tax accountant may be able to set me up as a business.

I wish I had more confidence. I wish I had more confidence in my photography and I wish I had more confidence to not allow myself to feel so out of control of my career at work. This sense of having no control in my life has created a great deal of stress and this feeling of never being settled. I know I need to do something to resolve this before it kills me either physically or psychologically or both.

Sometimes, I feel like things are slipping away. Sometimes I look at the little pictures of my mom and dad that I keep in my room. I think about how it is sort of weird that they are dead and how time just keeps moving on without them. Soon, it will move on without me. What do any of us really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Mass Transit

So, I finally have my new car and have got that bit of upset behind me but not without having experienced some adventures in using mass transit. In order to pick up my new car, I had to take buses to work and then from work to where the car was located. Then, the following day, I had to drive the rental car back out to San Bernardino where my old car broke down. Fortunately, my sister lives out that way but, in order to not have to force her to drive all the way to L.A. and back, I took the metrolink back out to L.A.

It was kind of funny because when I rode to work on the bus, it was such a novel sort of thing. I got on board and was sitting, looking out the window, thinking, “Gee, this is neat”. Everyone else looked like they were still asleep, jaded and bored with this, their daily routine.

Before getting on board the Metrolink, my sister and I were joking about tightened security and my sister said that I should sit down in my seat, hug the backpack I was carrying and begin rocking back and forth, repeating over and over, “Allah be praised, Allah be praised.” We both have a pretty warped sense of humor. Actually, though, the Metrolink ride was pretty dull. It was the final bus ride home from Union Station where adventure took place.

The bus had just turned on to San Fernando Road when a car pulled out in front of the bus and slammed on its brakes. The bus driver slammed the bus brakes and two old men who had been standing fell and rolled on to their backs. One of the old men was really angry at the driver. “What’s with all the braking!” he yelled. The driver yelled back that he couldn’t help it and that it was either that or hit the car. The old man yells, “Not even an ‘I’m sorry’”. The driver responds by saying he is sorry, sorry for the situation. When I got off at my stop, I told him thanks for doing a good job. The poor guy needed a break.

Anyway, that was my adventure using mass transit in L.A. It is certainly interesting but I think I prefer having a car.

Work and Life

A couple of weeks ago, I applied for another position within my company. After 4 ½ years in Cost Accounting, I felt it was important to take a new direction and learn new skills. Although I am more than qualified for the position and have an excellent record as an employee of Cost Accounting, the management of my department has effectively blocked my application.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. It is also not the first time that this has happened to an employee of this department. It is odd that the Cost Accounting Manager and Director of Cost Accounting, when describing their department, always boast that Cost Accounting is where people gain the initial experience that allows them to then move on to other areas of the company.

While it may be true that the management is in need of my services, that is not a fault for which I should be punished. In the time I have been in the department, I have witnessed terrible misuse of resources and lack of training. That someone like myself should be held back in order to make up for poor planning by management is unconscionable. I can only do so much work and the stress is beginning to affect me physically and emotionally. In the time I have worked in that department, I have worked inordinate amounts of overtime, sacrificed weekends, held off on taking vacations just because I care about doing a good job. In the end, it has earned me the status of being the uncomplaining work horse, no appreciation for my efforts and a ruined body.

I have constant pain in my neck and shoulders, high blood pressure and come into work every day with knots in my stomach. The anxiety from the low morale and negative work environment has me feeling depressed and horribly frustrated. I really question whether this is a proper place for establishing a career.

I am so depressed from all of this. I sit at night, staring out my window, and wondering what reason I have for getting up the next morning. That sense of doing without the benefit of purpose is really making life a bit difficult to get through.

Successories

I receive many catalogs at work. I do not know why. I have somehow been put on a list to receive all sorts of office related product catalogs. I get catalogs that advertise things from various paper products to janitor carts. In general, I just toss them in the trash without a second glance until I came across the catalog from Successories.

Successories pedals inspirational pictures, posters, key chains and awards. The various items go from the mildly amusing to the absurd and frightening. They are not so much frightening as to form than by their substance or total lack of substance. There is something deeply sad about seeing inspirational words and quotations with no context and without any sense of sincerity. Motivation and praise is reduced to a slogan, embossed with gold leaf and covered in clear acrylic.

Many of the items are described as economical ways to inspire and motivate. One of the most economical products advertised consist of preprinted forms that say things like, “Team Player!” or “Achieve Success!” and are “personalized” by running it through the laser printer to add the employee’s name to the form.

I often wonder who buys into this crap but, then I see my boss, and that answers my question.