How did you get into Accounting?

I get that question a lot. At job interviews, I have developed a half-way decent response that works but it is definitely not the truth. This is the real truth.

About the time that I was completing my BA program in Psychology, I realized that I was losing my enthusiasm towards my chosen profession even though I did go through the lengthy process and expense of applying to PhD programs. This was done with little planning, preparation or forethought.

I never really had any good advice during my undergraduate years. I had few friends and my family was of little help in offering me wisdom regarding the proper way to develop and nurture a career. I did well in school but never made any important contacts nor did I really get a lot of extracurricular experience that would have propelled me when it came to getting into graduate programs. Even as I sent off the applications for graduate programs, I knew it would be a long shot for me to make it.

The first go around, following all of the myriad rejection letters, I entered an MS program in psychology, thinking this would help increase my chances in PhD programs as well as give me breathing room before I had to start to really panic over my future. Unfortunately, after that two year program, I still did not get accepted to a PhD program anywhere. Truth be told, I had little or no desire left to even pursue the subject of psychology. I was tired and lost as far as direction to take with the topic. I didn’t know if I really wanted to be a therapist and I didn’t know if I really wanted to do research. There was nothing “calling out to me”.

Having failed to obtain acceptance, I was left in a bit of a quandary. I was broke, with no job, no prospects for a job and no excuses. I really had no sense of where to go with myself and things began to spiral down quite rapidly. I moved back home where my father, mother and sister lived. My father worked but both my mother and sister were not working. My sister was going through a rather bad phase of agoraphobia and had rationalized her lack of employment and independence as a necessary sacrifice to care for our mother. My mother was an excellent enabler for my sister and the two of them lived in a sick, symbiotic relationship of mutual fear and depression. Into this depressing world, I entered, a last resort, until I could determine my next step. It was a difficult period for me, my mental health sapped by the very air of that house and its collection of shambling lost souls.

There was certainly no help forthcoming from my family. These people accepted failure and, in some strange way, used it as an excuse for not expending any effort to better their lives. For a while, I did little more than spend the day smoking cigarettes out in the backyard and listening to strange talk radio shows that came on in the afternoons. I drove to the library often and read a lot of books. I also looked for work but could find nothing in the area of psychology. Such work required experience of which I was lacking. I looked into other non-psychological employment prospects but those opportunities required skills or degrees other than psychology. Time began to go by and I became deeply depressed. I was an overeducated, unemployed loser.

I had no money and no idea how to turn around my current situation. Finally, I began to look at other degree programs. I knew that school was one thing that I could do well and I figured that perhaps I could go back to school and study some other subject, a subject that afforded more avenues to employment. At the very least, it would get my mind moving and provide me with the time necessary to hash out my next step in an otherwise meandering life. I looked into the accounting program at the university at which I had just completed my Psych MS. I knew that there were a great many additional classes that I would need to take in order to get anywhere near an MS in accounting but I thought it might be a good option and it would get me out of the house which was sucking all of my psychological energy like some sort of neurotic vortex.

I vacillated in reaching a decision for quite a while. I suppose that part of me was thinking about all of the lost time spent studying psychology and how positively stupid of me to be going into a whole other subject area after all of that work. Finally, a friend of mine told me to just make a fucking decision. I knew that she was right. I had to make a decision. If I didn’t go back to school for accounting, I had to make some other decision. I couldn’t spend anymore time lingering in lethargy. I decided to go with the accounting program. It was a practical decision. It was a survival decision. I felt no emotional joy from the idea of studying accounting. It was a means of escape from my current predicament with no thought as to whether I was leaping from the proverbial frying pan and into the fire. I knew that accounting typically afforded people numerous job opportunities and so I figured that, at the very least, I could make enough to survive and that was something. At that point, my career time horizon was short. So, that is how it all began.

Looking back on it, as with so many things, I see so many errors in judgment and stupid moves on my part. For one thing, I never followed my gut when it came to direction to take in my chosen subject of study. I entered the psychology program and, even when other things came up that interested me more, I wouldn’t change my mind because it just did not seem possible to make a change or it felt that, once I was on a particular path, I should not veer off the road lest some great calamity ensue. As an example, while I was studying psychology, I also took a good many anthropology courses that were related to biological evolution, early man and comparing human physical characteristics to other primates. I found these courses extremely interesting and greatly enjoyed the topics. I also liked ethology, animal behavior. Instead of changing direction and studying these subjects which I seemed to have a real passion towards, I turned away because I was studying psychology, in the program and that was that! It was stupid of me and I really short-changed myself. A big part of the problem was having a lack of guidance. I was and still am poor at making friends and have never had many mentors or people that I held as trusted advisors. If I had had input or encouragement from others, I’m sure I would have had a little more confidence to make decisions and change direction without worrying so much.

Disconnect

Sometimes, whether at work or in informal settings, I just find myself feeling totally disconnected from people and situations. It is as if I am just floating in another place and not altogether there. I can almost imagine my physical being becoming partially transparent. It is disconcerting and it leaves me wondering where I belong and where I can feel whole and connected.

Thoughts before my first day

So, tomorrow I begin a new job. It has been five years since I went through the new job adjustment process. I am feeling nervous, uncertain of myself and not very self-confident.

Maybe that is the problem with staying at one place for too long. Even though my old job held a great many problems for me, I was used to things and comfortable with the routine. Now, there is all of this uncertainty and myriad unknowns lurking to pounce on me.

I wish I felt more self-confident, in general. This is the primary issue which I have been discussing with my therapist. I mean, I have dealt with a lot of new jobs and new situations but I never feel good about my coping skills. I always feel myself lacking.
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I am planning on taking a unique workshop in about a month. The workshop is supposed to be for photographers to build a body of work, with some sort of common theme, over a six month period that is essentially ready for exhibit.

I think it will be a good workshop for me because I have taken so many individual photo classes but I need to get a focus, direction and begin to look at what I need to do to get my work recognized. Part of getting my work "out there" is building a body of work that has a message or theme to it. I am just having a hard time with figuring out what I will do as a theme for this project.

It is tough for me to come up with these sorts of ideas. For some reason, I freeze up and can't come up with ideas. It is sort of like writer's block.

I know I want to do this workshop and all it entails because, deep down, I want to be doing more creative things in my life and hope that this can be part of how I earn my living. I know that there is something inside of me that wants this but I am having a hard time identifying it and getting it out.

Ashes and Snow at Santa Monica

So, today is my first day of not working at my old place of employment. For the next couple of days, I am sort of unemployed. Well, until Monday of next week.

Fortunately for me, my friend Stacey took the day off of work and the two of us went to the Gregory Colbert exhibit, Ashes and Snow, on temporary exhibit at the Santa Monica Pier. It was an interesting exhibit combining still photography with films depicting humans and animals photographed together in natural settings. It was an attempt to show humans and animals without natural and artificial boundaries. Many of the photographs were quite fascinating and I would really like to know how he processed his prints and got the results presented. Stacey and I both noted the works were highly stylized, perhaps too stylized, but there was also a great beauty and dream-like quality to the work. I will have to Google and find out more about the artist.

It was good seeing Stacey. She has a great sense of humor and I always feel very comfortable and my self with her. After the exhibit, we walked over to the Third Street Promenade and had lunch. It was hard to believe that once we finally walked back to our cars to leave, it was already near sunset. When you are having a good time and with the right people, the time really does go by much faster.

Missing Physical Education

When I was in junior high school, I had a great dislike of physical education. It was not that I was unfit. It was not that I was concerned about taking my clothes off in front of others. I was simply very poor at sports, especially team sports. I never learned to play baseball, football or basketball. Sure, I knew the rules and what was expected of a participant. I just never learned how to play with any proficiency. Because of this, I was treated rather poorly by my fellow classmates who took all of this quite seriously. I would often get punched in the stomach or tripped or shoved by the other kids and was constantly receiving verbal harassment.

One day, I began to notice that, upon arrival at class and following our suiting up in the locker room, the coach never bothered to take attendance. This oversight, repeated on subsequent days, lead me to concoct a plan.

Our gym class was fairly large and poor performers, such as me, were generally ignored by the coach. I decided that no one would really notice if I simply didn’t show up to class. One day, I put my plan into action. I did not go to my physical education class. The problem was that now I needed a place to go for an hour. The only option I saw open to me was to go to the library.

At our school, it was permissible for those students with higher grades, like me, to take a class period in which to be a teaching assistant (TA) for one of the instructors. I had done this before and, when the instructor did not need me, she would just let me go to the library to read or do homework. The librarian did not even question me when I told her that I was a TA and the instructor told me to just do some homework or research in the library. Thus, each day, I sauntered into the library instead of physical education and no one was the wiser.

This subterfuge lasted for nearly a month and a half which says something about the coach’s record keeping skills. Finally, the coach did notice that I was missing and missing for quite some time. I was called into the office and asked to explain myself.

I told the vice principal and coach that I did not care for physical education and took it upon myself to do something I thought to be more important and stimulating. Needless to say, my reasoning was not appreciated and I was promptly told to return to physical education. In addition, I was required to have a written excuse to be in the library if I was there during class hours.

I did feel bad about my relationship with the librarian. Up until my deceit was exposed, she seemed to like me and appreciated that I was so studious and quiet. Afterwards, the librarian never spoke to me or smiled at me. I sometimes wanted to try and explain to her my reasons for lying but I figured that she would never understand. So, I left her to think the worst of me.

Lunesta

There is an advertisement for the sleeping pill, Lunesta, on television. I heard the announcer say that one of the side effects that may be experienced while using the drug is drowsiness.

Hmmm.

Bozo's Treasure Chest of Toys

I always remember watching Bozo's Bigtop as a child. All of the kids who got to be at Bozo's Bigtop would cheer as the "most delightful clown" came out and introduced cartoons and did funny stunts. At one point in the program, Bozo would always wheel out Bozo's Chest of Toys. To a kid, the chest was truly full of treasure as it seemed to be heaped with all sorts of toys. It was a toy glutton's dream come true. I do not know if it was all illusion. Perhaps there were never really all that many toys to but it sure looked good on TV.

Bozo would choose one lucky child from the audience for a chance to win the chest. All of the kids in the Bigtop were eager to win. That chest of toys was the recipient of many a greedy gaze by the toy crazed children eager to tear into this disgustingly bloated materialistic bounty. Bozo's chosen one was required to perform some inane task in order to win the toys. Inevitably, the task was always impossibly difficult for anyone to accomplish. A favorite one was having the contestant try to spin a plate on a stick. Most adults could not perform this stunt let alone some little, uncoordinated kid. Failing the task, Bozo would always hand the defeated, sour faced kid some pathetic consolation prize, the most common being Bozo's Assortment of Jams and Jellies. Jams and Jellies! What the fuck! What was a kid supposed to do with breakfast condiments? That was something you might give your grandmother for Christmas, not a child.

I will never forget Bozo and the Treasure Chest of Toys, the childhood Holy Grail.

Nice Day For A Hike

Saturday morning, I went for a hike at Runyon Canyon which is located just off of Hollywood Boulevard, a little West of La Brea. I met someone on Craigslist who was looking for friends for hiking. So, this was our first meeting and hike together.

It was a beautiful day and, after struggling to find a parking space, I buzzed Joyce on my cell and we selected a location to meet. I was rather impressed by her. Physically, she is incredibly beautiful, blond, tanned, and athletic.

She was a really intelligent and warm person and I felt very comfortable around her. We both seemed to be at about the same level as far as fitness so we were able to keep up a nice pace that was manageable for both of us.

When our hike was over, Joyce and I parted and I was happy that I had gotten together with her. I so rarely get together with people. Oddly though, later in the day, I found myself feeling a bit depressed.

I tried to analyze why I was feeling down and feel that it does have something to do with meeting Joyce. I was thinking about how attractive she was to me and it set me to thinking about my inadequacies. I began thinking about how I was too unattractive, too unsuccessful and too introverted and quirky for a woman like her to ever consider as far as relationships are concerned. I realize that I should not really think about it that way. I know that I should be happy that I have met a new friend and person with whom to engage in a fun activity, regardless of any prospects for a more intimate form of relationship. But still, I couldn’t help those feelings. I guess it comes from not having very many social contacts, friends or a history of dating and relationships.

Photobucket pics of Death Valley

Here is a link to some of my Death Valley photographs. These are all 35mm transparencies that were scanned (Film Type: Fuji Velvia):

http://photobucket.com/albums/v233/ericsanomie/Death%20Valley%20Slides/

Back to Work

Well, I am going back to work tomorrow and, this week, I will be giving notice. It will be strange to be changing work locations after five years. It is necessary, though. I guess I am just feeling all of those feelings of uncertainty and fear that accompanies change.

It is funny how we can dislike certain things but change can be more frightening because at least that which we dislike is familiar and the alternative is unknown. The change may be better or may be worse but there is no sure way of knowing without actually committing to the change.

I am at that juncture and feeling the fear of uncertainty.

Part of the fear comes from my feelings of inadequacy and wondering if I will fail. I wish I were the type of person who didn't worry so much, perseverate so much. I just want to be able to jump into things and not always feel this self-doubt. I wish hynosis really worked like it does in the movies and I could just be programmed to look straight ahead and not worry about what lay ahead.

Right now, I wish that I were being held in the arms of someone who understood and cared. I just want to feel like things will be okay.