Lack of self-esteem

Over the weekend, I went to Palm Springs and stayed at a resort for a couple of days, a chance to read, swim and just sit in the sun.

At one point, I was rather thirsty and decided that I felt like a soda. I had some sodas in my room but I was lazy and so decided to go to the vending machine that was located next to the bar which is in the pool area.

As I got to the machine, I saw that there was this man at the bar, perhaps a bit younger than me, and he was with this little child of about two or so. The man was talking to the woman working the bar. Of course, she was basically all focused on the child and there were the usual great many oohs, ahhs and “He is so cute” in the midst of the conversation.

As it was an off-day, there were very few other people in the pool area and no one else at the bar save the woman who worked there and this man and child.

I began feeding my dollar bills into the machine, a difficult task, as the machine kept spitting them back over and over. Finally, the bills took and the machine informed me of my credit total. I selected the coke and…nothing happened. In addition, the machine seemed to be indicating that my credit no longer existed. So, I was out a couple of bucks and a coke.

I know that any normal person would simply have gone over to the woman at the bar, mentioned the problem and gotten the cash back. Being that I am not normal, that is not what happened.

For some reason, I hesitated and could not bring myself to go to the woman at the bar. Her attention was completely focused on the man and his child. He was telling her cute stories about his child and she listened with rapt attention.

I played in my mind the scenario if I were to go up and complain about the ailing machine. The woman would look angry that I had interrupted and, unlike the shining example of fatherhood and responsibility standing before her, she would look upon me as some weird, middle aged loner who probably didn’t really lose any money but was just trying to rip her off for a can of coke.

I realize this sounds bizarre but that was what I was thinking and so I ate the cost of the soda along with my sense of self-worth.

I am really good at being my own worst enemy.

In line

I was standing in line at Starbucks. Approaching the cash register, several places ahead of me, was an elderly woman who made her way up there with the assistance of one of those canes that has the four feet on the end of it for greater stability.

As she got to the counter, I saw that she held a little Starbuck’s stuffed bear and she was also looking at some other items, such as the containers of mints, which she purchased, I assume, as gifts.

For some reason, as I watched her with the bear and everything, I got very sad and kind of started crying silently. I don’t know exactly why but it just made me feel sad and perhaps a bit lonely.

Lost Weekend?

Withdrawl is truly nasty. I am trying to whittle down my Cymbalta use and so today has been difficult. All day, I have felt a bit confused and as if I have the flu.

The worst of it has been the mental effects. I feel very depressed but primarily it has been as a result of feeling like all of this bother with drugs, withdrawls, etc. seems to define my life and it makes me sad. I mean, I truly feel that being crazy is what defines me. I was sitting in my room today, the cloudy, hazy day just outside of my window and I began to think about childhood and how I got to this point. Anyway, I just sort of ended up crying a lot.

It was a confusing day and I don't see it changing.

Cymbalta Blues

Currently, I have been on the drug, Cymbalta. I have not enjoyed this drug. It does nothing for my depression and seems to enhance my sense of disassociation and confusion.

It has all gotten a bit much for me.

Now, in a couple of weeks, I am supposed to go off of this drug in order to begin a new one as part of a study being done by my shrink. After considering everything and having read up on the study drug that he will be using, I am thinking of getting off of everything for a while and not continuing with the study.

To this end, I have begun to phase myself off of Cymbalta. It is not easy and about every 48 hours, I need to take a dose of the drug. If I do not take any of the drug, I get very dizzy and feel sort of disoriented. I am anxious to get this stuff out of me.

I think I just want to go off of things for a bit. It is hard for most people to understand but there comes a point where you honestly begin to wonder where your feelings and thoughts end and the influence of the drug begins. It is a tad disturbing.

I know that going off of drugs will likely result in more depression but I think I need a break. It may sound funny or silly to some but I just want to feel my feelings for what they are and not what they are translated through a drug and I want to feel my god damn penis hard every morning when I wake up which is reassuringly normal for me. I know I don't have a mate or sexual partner but I have always obtained a certain satisfaction knowing that I have a good sex drive and fully functioning equipment. It sounds kind of silly I suppose but it is my own little quirk.

Well, I will see what the next couple of weeks have in store as I work to wash my system of this drug.

A little lost

Last night, I had my photography workshop. It was okay but I felt sort of distant during the whole thing. Actually, more and more, it seems like I always feel that way.

Today, I began a new audit assignment. I went to the first meeting, did the handshakes, smiles and discussed the scope of work. The rest of the day was spent looking at Standard Operating Procedures and putting together some initial flowcharts of processes and controls.

All during the meeting and throughout the rest of the day, I felt as if I were operating inside of a machine. I could do everything that was required of me but I felt so disconnected.

I came home this evening and just felt so tired. I turned on the radio and there was piano music by Debussy playing and I just started to cry.

I don’t want to be here.

New photos of Griffith Park

I took a hike in Griffith Park a few days ago. It was kind of foggy and hazy. In some ways it was kind of pretty and gave the place an interesting atmosphere. So, I took a few photographs with my digital camera:

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v233/ericsanomie/Griffith%20Park/