My ideal life

So, tomorrow I will be discussing my ideal life with my psychiatrist. I have pondered this for nearly a month. I keep coming back to the time when I was traveling across country in my car, living in various towns for several months at a time and then moving on to the next destination.

I would like to be doing that again but working as an auditor which is what I was doing before. I wish I could be doing this as part of a creative career, maybe photography. I would even be willing to stretch and do something business related but not dry like accounting.

I see myself moving from town to town, exploring and getting the feel of the place but not staying so long that I feel tied down and bored. I would be taking tons of photographs of this journey.

I am not sure if I would be coming back to L.A. much. Ideally, it might be nice to come back home for a while, work in the darkroom and rest a bit. I have said that I wish to do this travel throughout the U.S. Later, it might be nice to include trips to other countries. I have always wanted to travel to Iceland, Greenland, the Rhine River and Scotland. There are still countless tropical islands in the South Pacific to visit and I have never seen Africa or South America. Although the international flavor is interesting to think about, I could still be happy doing the U.S. only circuit. The continental U.S. is huge and has a great deal to offer.

I just love the idea of being free. I have always had a certain psychological claustrophobia when it comes to responsibilities. The burden of having a mortgage, buying things and collecting things just depresses me. When you have nothing but what is packed in your car and you are on the interstate, it is the most liberating feeling in the world.

You may be wondering where relationships fit in to the equation. I wonder myself. It could be nice to have a partner but I wonder if anyone really exists who would want to live that life. I do not think many other people would care for it.

I think it would be nice to build a relationship with creative people in L.A. and other places I visit and develop a strong “family” of sorts, people who are a bit quirky like me. I know if I were coming back to L.A. often to develop and print, it would be nice to have an artistic group with which to hang out with and discuss my work and projects and maybe get inspiration for future projects.

Of course, I know this is all ideal and will never happen.

Panda Express

I was playing hooky from work today. Well, it wasn’t all hooky since I had a medical appointment in the afternoon, a treadmill test to check out my heart. Anyway, this morning, I was at Starbucks, reading a book, when this chunky and somewhat disheveled Asian man sat down next to me.

“Excuse me. I am with Panda Express,” he said.

I looked up and he flashed me this grimy red and white name tag with some sort of Asian sounding name on it, Cho or something. The tag did not even look like a Panda Express name tag. It read “Panda” in a corner above the name but otherwise looked like something a kid might buy at a 99 cent store.

He then said, “Do you have a cell phone? I need to use it.”

“No, I do not have a cell phone,” I lied.

He then got up and left.

It was most bizarre. Why would one give their cell phone to a guy for flashing a Panda Express name tag? Is Panda Express a secret police squad in China or something? I also wonder about this guy. Imagine getting up in the morning and this is your plan of action for the day, stealing cell phone numbers by claiming to be a Panda Express employee. It is too weird. It is Los Angeles.

Birthday

So, another birthday has come and just about gone. It was another uneventful day, a day like any other. I suppose there is no reason why it should be any different. Still, I felt older today and emptier. I guess it is just how I am wired.

I wonder sometimes if there will ever be a birthday when I feel happy, content and good about life. I wonder if the day of my death will come before that particular birthday.