ericsanomie

Another journey to the Integratron

2009-06-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I went out to the desert for a sound bath. My friend and I like to do this at least every couple of months. The sound bath is only a half hour but we both sort of enjoy the ride out the I10 to get there. We listen to music, chat about what has been going on in our lives and soak in the desert landscape.

This weekend was especially interesting. On Saturday, L.A. was pretty much shrouded in clouds and overcast. Most of the drive east, the sky was grey. We listened to Pink Martini and some covers of music from the late 40s and early 50s. It seemed to go well with the landscape, somehow. Then, as we passed Baeaumont, the sky suddenly cleared. It was blue and mostly cloudless. The sudden change was almost magical, as if the lands ruled over by the influence of the sea were giving up to the desert. A line had been crossed.

At our destination, it was at least 80 degrees, bright sun but there was also a breeze. In fact, it was very windy around the Palm Springs area, and I had to keep my hands firmly on the steering wheel.

After the sound bath, we wandered around the site a bit. I took some photographs using my old 1940s Soviet made rangefinder camera. It actually takes pretty nice shots.

As we journeyed back to L.A., my friend had me make a detour at Donut Man in Glendora. It is a somewhat historical place along Route 66. They are famous for their strawberry donuts. I must admit, they are very good. We also stopped by a small candy shop located at a candy factory. They had chocolates and fudge, freshly made and about half the price you would pay at most other establishments. Again, the product was incredible. I joked with my friend that this would not have been a trip for diabetics.

I got home and lazed around a bit. I was actually a bit beat from all of the driving.

A little off the top

2009-05-02T19:38:00.001-07:00

As I was getting my hair cut, I looked down at the hair that had fallen from my head and onto the plastic apron. I could see an occasional grey hair mixed in with the dark brown hair and found myself feeling depressed. Things like that have a way of triggering emotions in me. I guess it was just a reminder.

Soon, I found myself tumbling down that slippery slope of depression, thinking about lost opportunities, failed relationships and friendships, and people I have known who are dead. How often I conveniently forget how many years have gone by in life. I find aging to be quite scary. At times, I can shrug it off with a little humor. On my birthday, I may tell someone that my hand is blinking red, an alluding to the old sci-fi story, “Logan’s Run” where people are not allowed to live past their late 20s. Other times, no matter how hard I try, the subject of aging depresses me.

I recall, while studying psychology, that Jung described various stages of life. I remember that one of the later stages was defined as this period when a person accepts they will not be able to accomplish all of their goals and dreams and learn to accept this, enjoying what they have accomplished. It made me feel kind of sad hearing this when I was in my late 20s but now it seems even more depressing.

I suppose I should be glad that I still have hair.

Dating profiles

2009-04-30T19:00:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I look at profiles either on this site or other sites and, while interested in someone, often find myself less than enthusiastic about responding. It is not because of the person's profile as it is my own interpretation of what they are seeking.

When I see terms like "successful" and "sophisticated" as descriptors of the a desired mate, I find myself mulling over whether I could seriously apply those terms to myself. I often think that writers of profiles imagine successful as a shiny Mercedes, $1,000 suits, huge homes and an important sounding job. I picture sophisticated as hanging out at posh clubs, talking way to loud and wearing one of those ridiculous blinking buetooth things on your ear.

The point is that I don't feel I fall into that category. I have my home, drive a dependable car, pay the credit card off each month and still use an old cell phone without bluetooth. I have suits but they are nice and not super expensive and I would much rather be on a hilltop looking up at stars rather than sitting in a noisy nightclub hoping for a glimpse of the other kind of star.

I suppose I have rambled, as I often do. I guess I am just saying that most of the time, I figure that I do not qualify when I see those listed criteria. It is probably something of an esteem issue if you want to get into the psychology nitty-gritty but, regardless of the label, it happens to be how I react.

Does any of this matter? I don't know. It just happened to be rolling around in my head tonight.

Odd dream last night

2009-04-29T21:46:00.001-07:00

I was traveling in some European country, possibly England. It was more the impression than any outward signs that lead me to that conclusion. I and several others were on some sort of challenge or contest involving answering trivia questions concerning the Statue of Liberty. I recall going into one place and having to answer trivia questions. At another location, there was this odd line drawing of the Statue of Liberty with certain features missing. We had to fill in the features, rather like the connect the dot pictures from childhood.

A need for control

2009-04-21T20:41:00.001-07:00

Today, I happened to be at a location where there were several small horse ranches in the area. The horses were very well maintained and looked like something you would see in a movie…they probably are used in the movies, come to think of it.

Anyway, I realized that I have never ridden a horse. I like the idea of riding a horse, the romance of it, imagining myself a character in Lord of the Rings or something and setting off upon a quest with my faithful steed. Then reality sets in and I realize that I am somewhat afraid of travel on something that has a mind of its own.

I like that little bit of control or at least the illusion of it because, come on now, how in control are we really when our automobiles are flying down the road at 80 miles per hour. We are all just a broken bolt away from disaster. Still, a car doesn’t think for its self and it has brakes.

I like brakes. More “brakes” means less bones “breaking”. That is perhaps why I do not care for rollerblades but do enjoy bikes. This is not to say that I have not made some rash or dangerous choices over the years.

I recall riding a racing bike in Palos Verdes on a horribly foggy morning, coming down a hill going 40 miles per hour and realizing that I can not see two feet in front of me. If I had collided with something, I am certain that I would have been instantly transformed from three dimensional to two dimensional in mere nanoseconds.

On another occasion, while hiking in Eaton Canyon, I went past a turnoff for a path I wished to take and ended up a good distance away from my intended location. I saw that the trail I wanted was below the trail I was walking. I looked down and thought that the cliff face to the lower trail was not that much of a climb and with an abundance of foot and hand holds. Unfortunately, once I got started, the cliff seemed a great deal steeper than I remembered and the distance felt as if it had almost doubled. For a moment, I felt a bit afraid. I also began to think of how embarrassing it would be if some rescue copter had to come and save me. Fortunately, I was able to boost myself back up to the trail above me. I then doubled back.

I am not sure why all of this came to mind today.

This morning

2009-04-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up before dawn this morning. It was very clear, no wind. There was a crescent moon shining brightly. The planet mars shone a deep red a few degrees from the moon's lower limb. A bit of a distance away, and closer to the horizon, was the planet Venus shining brightly despite the coming dawn.

It was a beautiful sight and brought me that brief moment of quiet and inner peace that the world around me seldom provides. No wonder I am always walking around, looking at the sky or what is on the horizon. Sometimes, I wish there was something worth focusing on in front of me.

Observations

2009-04-16T19:38:00.001-07:00

-Waiting to put sugar and cream in coffee at Starbucks. Older woman would not pick up any of the condiments, including the sugar packs with her bare hands. I didn’t follow her to find out if she uses a napkin or cloth before opening and closing her car door.

-Too many people holding cell phones to their ear and oblivious to the world around them (even more than me and that is saying something). I think people should be forced to have their cell phone glued to their head. It has to stick there permanently, like the Scarlet Letter or something.

-It is interesting how, at work, people always say that you should volunteer or be a go-getter and take the bull by the horns. So, why is it that whenever I see people doing that, they always get screwed or told that they are doubling work effort or ignoring proper channels? Our society is so schizophrenogenic. No wonder I feel so confused and tired at the end of each day. I wish I didn’t feel and I often wish I didn’t think. I would probably make a good alcoholic if I actually liked drinking and didn’t have a bad stomach.

A Spring Day

2009-03-28T17:50:00.001-07:00

Today was a beautiful day out. It was warm with clear skies. I could see the mountains from my bedroom window. Still, the change from cool with grey skies to hot and clear has rather affected my overall mood.
When the weather changes or the Santa Ana Winds blow, I always find myself feeling a bit spacey, a little off-center. As I stare out my window, writing these words, it is as if I were lost. I know, intellectually, where I am, date time and whatnot but, emotionally, I feel that hint of anxiety when one finds themselves on an unfamiliar road. It is as if all of the familiar landmarks are missing or perhaps have lost their familiarity under the bright glare of the hot sun.
I guess that is not the only thing that affects me. The sound of a small plane’s engine droning as the sun sets makes me feel a little sad as does the sound of a ice cream truck playing off the distance.
I realize this is all psychological. It has been like this since childhood; the odd manifestation of the seasons in Southern California playing fast and loose with my mental well being.

A Christmas Moment

2008-12-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, I attended The Nutcracker ballet in Long Beach. I had not seen it for quite some time. Many years ago, my brother and I used to have a sort of tradition of seeing The Nutcracker annually. After he got married, we sort of stopped doing things together, including seeing The Nutcracker.

This year, I decided to do one seasonal thing and this was it. I got a very good seat which is pretty easy to do when you are going to something alone. There is always an odd seat here and there for the odd loner such as myself. The production had changed a little. I noticed that they did not use a live chorus for the dance of the snowflakes which I always found to be a nice touch. Some of the sets were different and a bit of the choreography had changed. I had fun. I think next year, I will go see the Kirov instead, just to get a different interpretation.

There are two things I generally like to see live for the holidays, The Nutcracker and A Christmas Carol. I used to go see Patrick Stewart doing his one man show in Pasadena each year until he took it to Broadway and his small venue performances came to an end. I guess I just like old-fashioned Christmas stuff.

One of the main reasons I even went to see The Nutcracker today is that I don’t really do anything Christmasy anymore. Gone are the days of having a Christmas tree and taking out ornaments to decorate. Now, Christmas has become just another day, as is the case with so many other holidays. There is no magic anymore. There is no more of the smell of pine. There are no more spending all night baking sugar cookies and eating the ones that “accidentally” broke when you were taking them off of the cookie sheet to cool. There is no more trying to figure out what kind of gift to get someone. All of that is a past that seems to be growing dimmer each day.

I guess it is normal for this to happen as one gets older but its still kind of depressing at times. I suppose that is also why people have families. It is a way to carry forward and pass on traditions like Christmas.

Taking a Bath

2008-11-22T19:26:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I felt inclined to take a bath this evening. I normally take showers, rarely using the tub for its principal purpose. It is not the most elaborate of tubs. I don’t have a sunken Roman tub or anything of that sort. Still, it sufficed.

As I sat in the warm water, reading and listening to Eine Kleine Nachtmusic, I began to think about how we are indeed creatures of water. We are born from water. It is our heritage, dating all the way back to the first little creatures that evolved. When I see people frolic in the water at the beach, it is almost like watching a celebration of our ancestral home, our origins. After all, our bodies are about 80% water.

I like the water. I used to love weekend trips to Palm Springs, back when it was still a comparatively quiet getaway. I would go in the off-season and stay at a hotel where, most of the time, I had the pool to myself. There I would bask in the sun, read books and, best of all, float in the pool. I would float on my back, staring up at the perfectly blue sky, breathing the clean dry air and, above the noise of the pool pump, listen to the ever present whine of the cicadas. That is bliss.

I remember another time in pool, the experience of which, stayed with me over the years. I was sent on an assignment to a small town in Iowa in the early part of winter. I had yet to secure an apartment for what would be a seven month stay and found lodging at a mid-level hotel near the center of town. The hotel had an indoor pool. Being that it was extremely off-season, no one else was at the hotel and I found the pool to be similarly unoccupied. The pool was housed in an enclosure that sported dome like transparent windows for a ceiling. It was very warm and humid inside the enclosure. Once I had slipped into the pool and swum for a little while (I am actually a poor swimmer), I rolled onto my back and began to float.

Above me was the transparent roof and the black of the sky. As I floated, it suddenly began to snow and, soon, I was treated to this incredible display of what flakes falling towards me and then disappearing magically as they hit the enclosure and melted away. It was so relaxing and it was one of those weird moments where you just feel connected with everything.

Anyway, so much for the bath.

I am feeling a tad down today, spacey but what else is new.

A Veteran's Day walk

2008-11-11T19:19:00.000-08:00

For Veteran's Day, I went for a walk in Griffith Park. It was fairly peaceful and far less crowded than on the weekend. It was quiet, save for the constant hum of the 5 freeway in the background. I walked along, the bright sun shining and the cold of the morning quickly evaporating.

I passed by the length of road where they had been assembling the LADWP light show which is put up each Christmas. Many people think the light show is kind of dumb but I sort of like it. Although, it makes me sort of sad because I had gone to it in the past with my girlfriend and, now that I no longer see her, there is no one to go with me. People don't like to do dopey stuff like that, anyway.

Anyway, as I walked along, I saw four deer up on a rise, near some of the light displays. Before the dear began to move, I actually thought they were part of the display. Suddenly, I realized that they were quite real. Still, they do sort of fit right in with the theme...reindeer and so forth.

Thoughts for the day

2008-11-10T18:51:00.001-08:00

The other day, my friend was mentioning how life is not usually a joyful affair. Rather, it contains a number of brief moments of joy or happiness. Somehow, you have to hold onto them to keep going.

It reminded me of something I read in the book, The Beach. I am paraphrasing. "Paradise is not a place but a single moment in your life and, if you can experience that one moment, you can hold onto it forever."I wish I could find that moment...that place.

Lately, it has been hard to find peace.

Just an aside: I had Chinese for lunch and my fortune read: "You will take a pleasant journey to a faraway place." If only....

Second Trip to the Integratron

2008-11-09T13:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my friend called me in the morning and asked me if I wanted to take a trip out to the Mojave to get a sound bath at The Integratron. We went there a while and had both stated a desire to go back again. At first, I declined but, it was such a nice day out and I was feeling really down, so, I decided to go with her. It was a pleasant drive. The sky was clear and blue and the desert landscape brought me a feeling of peace which had eluded me all week.

(previously blogged after my first visit)
“The building known as the Integratron was the brainchild of a one-time aerospace engineer, George Van Tassel. He became heavily involved in UFOs, channeling and healing. Van Tassel moved his family out into the desert to a location known as Giant Rock. Here, he conducted meditations which lead to him contacting space beings who told him about the Integratron. According to Van Tassel (as told to him by space beings), the Integratron is a machine, a high-voltage electrostatic generator that would supply a broad range of frequencies to recharge the cell structure.The Integratron is located at a vertex of Earth magnetic fields and, because of its design, acts as an amplifier for these magnetic waves.Okay, so that is what they say. The dome is quite fascinating and is built out of wood, fitting together essentially like a Chinese puzzle and containing no nails or screws. It has incredible acoustics, resonates like a whisper chamber, and is really a beautiful piece of design.Inside of this structure are two floors. On the second floor, people lie down on the wood floor, under the dome and they play 9 quartz singing bowls, live, one at a time, each one keyed to the energy centers or chakras of the body, where sound is nutrition for the nervous system. Your body is bathed in sound for 30 minutes. That is why I went there with my friend, to get a sound bath and engage in some healing or, at the very least, experience a little adventure.”

The tones vibrating through the body is quite amazing. I had a good time on the first go around. This time, I had some really intense imagery. In fact, it is hard to do the imagery true justice through words alone but I will try my best. The person leading the sound bath began the experience by telling all of us to concentrate on picturing ourselves as healthy and content. She reminded us that The Integratron would take what we were feeling and amplify it back to us. As she began to play the first tone, I focused on those instructions.

I saw myself exiting a simple cabin or hut. I was wearing a robe of white, carrying a staff and feeling at peace. The pain in my neck and shoulders, a constant in my normal life, was gone. Here, I felt whole, healthy. Anxiety and depression were gone as well. I began to walk a dirt path. I was in no hurry. I felt no sense of impatience or stress. Time wasn’t a factor in this place.

I was located on a rise or hill. Below me was a meandering path that cut through a glade of grasses and low shrubs. Surrounding it were tall trees and, in the distance, great mountains. It was very bucolic, reminiscent of an oil painting. The sky was cloudy and the sun shone onto the grass below through breaks in the clouds. I think what hit me the most was the intensity of the greens and how bright they were where the sun shone.

I began to walk the path, taking in my surroundings. Slowly, though, as our group leader began to strike a new tone, things changed. I continued walking but this little voice said, “Why walk when you can fly?” I began to float and soon was gently gliding over the landscape. I took in all of the detail, the grass, the trees and small ponds that came up. Back in the real world, my arms and legs seemed to have no feeling.

Soon, a new tone was struck and the landscape changed. I was moving higher, towards great mountains which, in some respects, seemed dark and ominous. At the same time, another odd thing happened. Instead of seeing myself moving through the landscape, I began to see everything through the eyes of my self, more like I was really there.

The mountain peaks were white with snow and ice and tendrils of clouds drifted in the sky around them. As I got closer, strange creatures like dogs or wolfs rose from the surface of the peaks. It was almost as if they were the peaks themselves. Their eyes were hollow as were their mouths and it was like their teeth were made up of the ice and rocks of the mountain itself. Still, as threatening as they seemed, I did not feel fear. I saw them as something akin to sentinels or guardians that stood watch upon the mountains but as to their full story, I don’t feel I can make a conclusion. They remain a mystery.

As a new tone emerged, I was flying over ocean, watching waves ripple across the surface. The sky was dark but not stormy. It gave the water a mysterious look, a color of midnight.

Finally, as the last tone began to fade, I found myself in the familiar glade, near where I had begun. I tried to retain that sense of happiness and wonder when I first began the journey but a degree of sadness began to creep into my mind. I knew that I had to let go and I so desperately wished to remain in this place, in this feeling. When the final tone had come to an end, I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

It was truly a great experience. Afterwards, my friend and I visited an orchid growing complex located on the same street as the Integratron. We received a tour of the greenhouses and got to see some incredibly gorgeous orchids. My friend bought a couple of orchids. We then made our way back to L.A. It was a really nice day. I wish life had more of those days. I really want to fix my life so there are more of those days.

This morning in Griffith Park

2008-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went for an early morning hike up to Mt. Hollywood. It was nice out, cool and very foggy. Fog curled around the leafless branches of the trees, previously denuded by fire. The trail, ahead and behind, was shrouded in fog and made the walk more mysterious even though I have done the same hike a zillion times before.

Sounds from far away seemed muffled. Yet, nearby noises seemed closer than actuality. It was all part of the disconcerting quality of the fog. In a way, I rather enjoyed it. Obviously, there were no views today. Even the observatory and Hollywood sign were invisible.

After all of the hot weather, it was refreshing to walk in the cool, moist air and it made going uphill seem much easier. I guess Fall is on its way.

When I was almost fully descended and getting close to the end of the trail, I was surprised by the appearance of a deer climbing out of the nearby ravine onto the trail. I stood still and watched as it stood there, turning its horned head from time to time. Then, it turned around and descended back into the ravine. I resumed my walking and went over to look down into the ravine. There were two deer standing next to one another. It was quite a sight.

I have often seen coyote on the trails and once, I even spotted a baby rattlesnake but this is the first time seeing deer in Griffith Park. It was nice end to a rather pleasant hike.

Still, I wonder why I felt melancholy when I got home. Why is it that these moments are not enough to sustain me and give me cheer for the rest of the day? What more do I need?

Some existential musings

2008-07-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I find myself in a more existential mood over the last week or two. Sometimes, it is like a switch and suddenly the subtle things move from the background to the fore and I am left attempting to define the meaning. I realize that makes little sense but it is always a challenge to pick a word or phrase that clearly conveys the meaning of feelings which are altogether vague and amorphous.

So, when I feel this way, I find myself turning to existential things, books in particular. I grabbed my copy of Exupery’s “Southern Mail” and was reading it at lunch. I love Exupery’s choice of words when describing the desert and the separation of the character from the world below when he is in flight and how difficult it is to integrate when he is landed and back in the world. It is beautiful, sad but touches something inside that I can’t quite describe. Exupery was only 44 when he died in WWII after going on a reconnaissance mission, never to return.

It is not only Exupery but I often find myself drawn to that struggle to find a place, leave a mark or, sometimes, fly above it, only occasionally touching down for moments before leaving again. I sometimes compare it to the job I used to have where I would move about the country, living in different towns for a while and then, when the assignment was done, packing my few items and driving to the next state. I probably wrote about it before. Anyway, I used to like it. I did not care for the actual work I was doing but I liked being a temporary citizen of a heretofore unknown place, living amongst the natives. Then, one morning, picking up and disappearing to some other place. There was a degree of comfort to it as well as satisfying one’s craving for the novel. I am not sure why I liked it so much. Was it the freedom, the lack of owning a lot of things, the change? I do not know. Then again, maybe it just meant that I had not found my place, where I belong and the search would continue until that day. I think that search is still on but I have been more stuck as of late. I think that will have to change soon and perhaps it will.

Feeling the Earth move

2008-07-29T19:19:00.001-07:00

So, where was I when the earthquake hit this morning? I was actually sitting on the toilet, in a stall, at work. I know, it does not sound terribly romantic but, there it is. I wasn’t outside pushing a baby carriage out of the way of a falling piece of roof tile or using my body to shield little old ladies from store front glass shattering onto the streets. Instead, I was sitting there, in the toilet, thinking of nothing in particular.

When the floor began to shake, I, at first, thought I should jump up and get out but then I decided to just relax, go with the roll and take my time. I decided, if fate has my end in mind, who am I to question it, regardless of the circumstances, such as they were. As the swaying stopped, I buttoned up and tucked in my shirt and went over and washed my hands (one must always wash one’s hands, regardless of the surrounding disaster!) and then I left.

Out on the street, everyone was on their cell phones, calling someone or another. I didn’t call anyone. I overheard “5.4” and decided it was far too small to bother with it. I am a native of this area and anything below a 6 is just too small to sweat. Actually, I would imagine this incident was well received by the many tourist here for the summer. After all, it is part of the so-called, L.A. experience. It is the ultimate E-ticket ride and it doesn’t even cost a dime.

What is the measure?

2008-07-25T19:16:00.000-07:00

Most of my workaday lunch hours are spent taking a walk, reading a book or just sitting and watching people (“chacun vient, chacun va”). It is during these moments that I wonder what would make me happy and what is happiness, if it can even be objectively defined.

I spot a group of special needs adults across the street, having lunch in a shady area near the mall. I look at them for a while and wonder if they are happier for all that they lack. Is their lot in life worse for lacking high paying jobs, driver’s licenses, earbuds, text messaging and the art of navigating the complex and dangerous current and eddies that make up interpersonal communication. Of course, I am projecting and stand guilty of rendering an interpretation based on preconceived notions that are largely untested or unqualified based on my experience.

Perhaps they look over at me, observing the observer, wondering if I am not so much happier in my life, a man in a tie with an “important job”, living independently and free to move through this world without a chaperone, confident in the ability to cope with any situation that may arise.
It is relative but I suppose it says something about me and how I often I want to just disappear off the map and lose myself or maybe find myself. It is not just about place. Although, place can have an influence and motivate one’s thoughts in certain directions. Still, it is but one element, another of which is the real self existing inside that is often hidden from the world. Maybe that too is what I saw in the faces of the group eating lunch at the mall, words and actions coming from the heart and not filtered, modified or covered by masks.

For so many of us, there are a myriad number of masks that, at the end of the day, it is difficult to remember which one is the real me…if any. So, perhaps in wanting to run away, it is also a desire to start somewhere fresh and not put on masks but, instead, to cry when I am sad or smile when I am happy and not worry about every word leaving my mouth. I think this even, indirectly, ties to dominance and submissive issues. It is sometimes difficult being a person who, on the inside, is more quiet or submissive and being criticized when not acting the role of being forceful, commanding, confrontational. Nothing changes inside of me. I simply craft new masks to wear and hopefully fool the intended audience, believing somehow that it is all worth it for being able to pay the mortgage, bills, and high credit ratings.

What of all this? I guess I still find myself wondering what is happiness and by whose yardstick shall it be measured and are some of us unable to reach it. Did I lose it as I lost my innocence or is a new measure of it waiting to be found, one that is relational to where I am in life.

Hope and Change

2008-07-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was just straightening up things following a day at work when the doorbell range. Surprised, as I do not receive many visitors, I ambled over and opened the door. I found myself staring into the eyes of a college age man with short curly hair, freckles and a bright smile on his face. Immediately, he launched into a well prepared and rehearsed monologue on how Obama is uniting us for change. He assured me that, unlike any other candidate that has ever sought the presidency, this one is going to the grass roots and refusing the contributions of corporate America.

Throughout his speech, I stood quietly, studying his face, in particular, his eyes. He had the look of one who has been mesmerized or born again at a revival. Finally, he finished what he had to say and extended to me the paperwork to fill out and provide my financial pledge to Obama bring change, hope, reduction, the dawn of a new tomorrow, the end of green house emissions and how to keep Saran Wrap from tangling when I pull it out. I told him, “No thank you”, and returned to my mundane activities.

I find people who worship politicians, speakers and celebrities somewhat scary. At least, if the guy at my door was spreading a religion, I could understand his excitement. I mean, if your promoting a being that is omnipotent, I could see a reason for being a bit impressed by that.
Whenever I see a politician speaking, be it in real life or on television, my eyes always go to the audience and the folks who stand with that bizarre wide-eyed expression which are probably indicative of a brain sailing along on a pleasant and rhythmic sea of alpha waves. The man at my door was no exception and I simply could not connect his religious-like fervor to a politician.

Perhaps I have grown too cynical but I like to remain skeptical and realize that everyone up there on the pulpit, regardless of party affiliations, is a person and no matter how many pleasant remarks they make, one must take it with a grain of salt. I actually get more nervous about someone, the more they promise and the more they keep spreading glittering generalities and the like.

Random thoughts of the day

2008-06-11T21:55:00.001-07:00

I was at an off-site location, auditing books and records in an empty office on the second floor of a building near Hollywood. After several hours of perusing bank statements and copies of receipts, I stood to stretch a bit. After I stood up, I peered through the Venetian blinds of a window overlooking a residential street.

As I stood watching, a car pulled into one of the driveways on the street. A woman got out of the driver’s side and a small child emerged from the passenger side. The little boy held a blue plastic pail full of worksheets and construction paper art. From the handle of the pail, two balloons were tied and bobbed about as he skipped along the front lawn towards the front door. He appeared so very happy, smiling and likely laughing. I stood there, watching, and, although there was the hint of a smile on my face, I began to feel tears welling in my eyes.

I watched him follow his mother into the house and than I returned to my work.
I get this way quite often. I do not know if it is a sadness over innocence lost, a desire to be a kid again or maybe even some small measure of regret that I will never have a child and is that really the best decision.

Oh well.

Integratron

2008-05-25T22:47:00.001-07:00

Somewhere off of Highway 62, a few miles from Joshua Tree, there lies a rather odd domed building painted white and sporting a number of metal rods jutting out from its exterior. The building is known as the Integratron and was the brainchild of a one-time aerospace engineer, George Van Tassel. He became heavily involved in UFOs, channeling and healing. Van Tassel moved his family out into the desert to a location known as Giant Rock. Here, he conducted meditations which lead to him contacting space beings who told him about the Integratron. According to Van Tassel (as told to him by space beings), the Integratron is a machine, a high-voltage electrostatic generator that would supply a broad range of frequencies to recharge the cell structure.

The Integratron is located at a vertex of Earth magnetic fields and, because of its design, acts as an amplifier for these magnetic waves.

Okay, so that is what they say. The dome is quite fascinating and is built out of wood, fitting together essentially like a Chinese puzzle and containing no nails or screws. It is supposed to have incredible acoustics and is really a beautiful piece of design.

Inside of this structure are two floors. On the second floor, people lie down on the wood floor, under the dome and they play 9 quartz singing bowls, live, one at a time, each one keyed to the energy centers or chakras of the body, where sound is nutrition for the nervous system. Your body is bathed in sound for 30 minutes. That is why I went there with my friend, to get a sound bath and engage in some healing or, at the very least, experience a little adventure.

I must admit that the experience is rather interesting and, with these tones being played and gently reverberating against the dome and through the floor, it is not too hard to begin falling into something akin to a hypnagogic state. I really began to sort of float and my thoughts drifted all over the place. Is it cosmic healing? Is it the magnetic fields? It probably has little to do with it but the place and atmosphere is quirky enough for me to recommend it to those who are looking for an interestingly odd experience.

The crowd visiting the Integratron was quite mixed. There were older men and women, new age, hippy types and even a bunch of guys from the local fire department. One woman had blue hair and I looked at my friend and said, in a serious tone, “I think that is what happens if you have sound baths too many times.”

It was a beautiful day to be out in the desert. The sky was magnificent, with big white clouds against a gorgeous deep blue. The clouds cast odd and ever changing patterns of shadow across the desert landscape.

Following this experience, my friend and I came back to L.A. and had a massage and then went for dinner at Yang Chows and a purchase of some almond cookies at the Phoenix Bakery.

If you want to look at a few of my digital shots of my little adventure, here is the link:

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v233/ericsanomie/Integratron/

A brief afternoon meeting

2008-05-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

The other day, I had a conversation with someone who I think is crazy. It was my boss at work. I don’t mean to say that she is crazy as in being a resident of Bedlam but crazy in the sense of not seeing the forest for the trees, sacrificing her soul for the sake of minutae. I see it all the time. I see it so much that I often question whether it is they who are nuts or me. Of course, it may be me but I will write, for now, under the assumption that I still have one arm out of the straight jacket.

So often in life, I find myself listening to people who are so enamored by details and things that, to me, seem rather meaningless. It is not to say that detail is not important, especially if one happens to be a brain surgeon or the like but, trust me, I do not work in a field that involves life, death or scalpels.

I suppose I should back up a bit and try to explain this odd feeling that crept over me the other day. It was a sense, a quiet revelation, in which I came to realize that the most frightening of crazy people are not those who live in Frigidaire boxes along 5th Street. Rather, the worst are those who drive in new automobiles, live in attractive homes and inhabit the world at large.
You may well ask what prompted this judgment on my part in response to our conversation. Oddly, it was nothing terribly extreme. She was doing a regular review of one of my cases. She was sort of mixing positive and negative feedback in a form which left me entirely uncertain as to whether I had done anything right or wrong. Again, that really was not what disturbed me. I have had plenty of bosses who provide feedback poorly and have grown quite accustomed to it as a natural part of life in the business world. It was while she was speaking that I began to sort of step out of myself and look at her eyes which seemed lost and empty, save for her work. I felt strange and out of sorts. Part of me wanted to find another person and validate what I was feeling but I knew that was impossible. Whatever I was sensing was in no small part a product of my own odd experiences.

I realize that none of this may make sense. I had to write it down, though. It seemed somehow important, even if it is only important to me. I hope I never become one of those people. I don’t think that I can but I certainly hope that is the case.

A Melancholy Day

2008-05-06T21:22:00.001-07:00

Perhaps it was the weather but I felt a bit sad and spacey today. I am still trying to recover from a bit of pneumonia, albeit a walking pneumonia. Still, I found my thoughts wandering.

I grew up in Orange County, close enough to the ocean that many days were overcast and grey. Today reminded me of those days, grey and cool. I remember, as a child, after school, wandering around the empty playground, lying in the grass and watching the seagulls. They would swoop dive and cry out as they picked at pieces of food from that day's lunch scraps.

I remember it being still and grey, in the background that strange sound of tetherball chains clinking against the metal pole like some sort of odd wind chime.I feel a certain sadness about those days. I also feel like those days were so long ago, as if they were lived in another lifetime by someone else.

My ideal life

2007-12-10T18:55:00.001-08:00

So, tomorrow I will be discussing my ideal life with my psychiatrist. I have pondered this for nearly a month. I keep coming back to the time when I was traveling across country in my car, living in various towns for several months at a time and then moving on to the next destination.

I would like to be doing that again but working as an auditor which is what I was doing before. I wish I could be doing this as part of a creative career, maybe photography. I would even be willing to stretch and do something business related but not dry like accounting.

I see myself moving from town to town, exploring and getting the feel of the place but not staying so long that I feel tied down and bored. I would be taking tons of photographs of this journey.

I am not sure if I would be coming back to L.A. much. Ideally, it might be nice to come back home for a while, work in the darkroom and rest a bit. I have said that I wish to do this travel throughout the U.S. Later, it might be nice to include trips to other countries. I have always wanted to travel to Iceland, Greenland, the Rhine River and Scotland. There are still countless tropical islands in the South Pacific to visit and I have never seen Africa or South America. Although the international flavor is interesting to think about, I could still be happy doing the U.S. only circuit. The continental U.S. is huge and has a great deal to offer.

I just love the idea of being free. I have always had a certain psychological claustrophobia when it comes to responsibilities. The burden of having a mortgage, buying things and collecting things just depresses me. When you have nothing but what is packed in your car and you are on the interstate, it is the most liberating feeling in the world.

You may be wondering where relationships fit in to the equation. I wonder myself. It could be nice to have a partner but I wonder if anyone really exists who would want to live that life. I do not think many other people would care for it.

I think it would be nice to build a relationship with creative people in L.A. and other places I visit and develop a strong “family” of sorts, people who are a bit quirky like me. I know if I were coming back to L.A. often to develop and print, it would be nice to have an artistic group with which to hang out with and discuss my work and projects and maybe get inspiration for future projects.

Of course, I know this is all ideal and will never happen.

Panda Express

2007-12-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

I was playing hooky from work today. Well, it wasn’t all hooky since I had a medical appointment in the afternoon, a treadmill test to check out my heart. Anyway, this morning, I was at Starbucks, reading a book, when this chunky and somewhat disheveled Asian man sat down next to me.

“Excuse me. I am with Panda Express,” he said.

I looked up and he flashed me this grimy red and white name tag with some sort of Asian sounding name on it, Cho or something. The tag did not even look like a Panda Express name tag. It read “Panda” in a corner above the name but otherwise looked like something a kid might buy at a 99 cent store.

He then said, “Do you have a cell phone? I need to use it.”

“No, I do not have a cell phone,” I lied.

He then got up and left.

It was most bizarre. Why would one give their cell phone to a guy for flashing a Panda Express name tag? Is Panda Express a secret police squad in China or something? I also wonder about this guy. Imagine getting up in the morning and this is your plan of action for the day, stealing cell phone numbers by claiming to be a Panda Express employee. It is too weird. It is Los Angeles.

Birthday

2007-12-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

So, another birthday has come and just about gone. It was another uneventful day, a day like any other. I suppose there is no reason why it should be any different. Still, I felt older today and emptier. I guess it is just how I am wired.

I wonder sometimes if there will ever be a birthday when I feel happy, content and good about life. I wonder if the day of my death will come before that particular birthday.